Back

Well, it appears that it's been 3 weeks since I have posted, and that's no accident. Two days after my last post was my birthday.  My boyfriend got me a cake, my friends got me cupcakes, I made cookies, and my boyfriend's mom sent me a dozen chocolate-covered strawberries.
I ate most of them, with the exception of a couple of slices of cake that I tossed.  A few days later this turned me into a sobbing mess.   Most of my anger was directed at my boyfriend, because he bought me a cake that was just for the two of us and I flipped out on him.  He knows I'm trying to lose weight and that I didn't need the cake. 
I felt like it just sent me into a tailspin. I didn't work out as much. I ate more shit, like it just didn't matter anymore.  I didn't want to post because every time I thought of something I felt like it was just me bitching and feeling sorry for myself and that wasn't supposed to be the point of this blog.
But I am back on track now (how often do I say that. I need to figure out how to STAY on track).  I made myself a goal-tracking chart.  I have 5 goals every week and I get a point for each goal.  I change them every week based on what I want to work on.  This is going to go through the end of the year and then at the end I am going to total up my points.  I will have a menu of rewards based on how many points I got.  Percentage of fat lost also gets a point each.  So hopefully this works.
So far it's been good.  I got 2 out of 5 points the first week and 3 out of 5 this week. 

I went to weigh-in this week and last week.  Today's weigh-in is below the cut.
One of my 5 goals this week is to write 3 blog posts.

Non-scale victories recently:
Swam a whole mile at the pool

Ran/walked 5k on the treadmill
Ran/walked the most I've ever done outside

If you get off track and you wanna get back, may take a lot of work for it'll break your back

Well, I am finally seeing pictures of myself from my sister's wedding.....  I just look so *chubby*.  Despite my last weigh-in day pic, it's the first time I think I have really looked at myself objectively. 
I just wish those weren't the pics that were going to be around forever in my sister's albums and things.  But nothing I can do about it now.

I ate about a million cupcakes over wedding week, plus a bunch of fast food because of traveling.  I was looking forward to getting back on track and got sick the day we got back.  I haven't run in like 10 days, and haven't been motivated to get back to it now that I am home.  It doesn't help that I lost my nike+ receiver, so it feels like my runs don't count.

But, I tracked today.  I am going to do the shred in a bit...and I have nothing planned to interfere with my plans.  I am making various goal trackers and hoping to get back on track and really commit to WW. But to be honest right now I am feeling kind of depressed and defeated.

Some Girls are Bigger Than Others

I go to the doctor every week or every other week for a depression study I am in.  The nurse who weighs me is a pretty big girl.  A few weeks ago she weighed me and I started crying out of frustration that my weight just is not going down.
"Look at me" she said.  "I would love to weigh as much as you"  which for her would probably mean about losing 50 lbs.  She went on to talk about how she used to weigh as much as I do and she was healthy and felt good then.
And that's the thing, at this weight I don't feel good or healthy.  I feel dumpy, slow, and like I am not taking care of my body.  The weight that I know I feel good at is about 30 pounds less.  But for some girls, weighing 140 lbs would be huge.  Even girls who are my height.  There are girls my height who weigh 120.  If I weighed 120 it wouldn't be good news because it would mean I must be sick.  My family and friends would probably express a ton of concern.  Every body is different and it's all about being where you are healthiest and happiest.  If I felt comfortable at this weight I wouldn't care, but it's just not the best weight for me.
So while I appreciated the nurse trying to make me feel better, I just wanted to say, "I'm not saying that if you weighed this much you would be fat or gross, but it's fat and unhealthy for ME"

Some girls are bigger than others.  Some girls' mothers are bigger than other girls' mothers.  That's just all there is to it.
I know for me I can't wait to get back down to a weight where I feel healthy and good about myself and where I can fit into my old clothes.

I started off yesterday really good.  I had a smoothie for breakfast which was only 5 pts and did 30 day shred in the am.  I was working hard and sweating a ton.  I planned to go swimming in the evening.  Unfortunately my day got busy.  I went to WW, then the doctor and then tanning and didn't have a chance to get anything to eat.  By 5 pm I was starving and called Tim to see if he wanted to meet me in union square for dinner since he was just about off work.
He met me and I got a turkey burger and fries.  I contemplated the grilled chicken breast with veggies, but caved because we were at Heartland Brewery and I love their fries.  Even then I would have come in at 1.5 under my daily points.  But I noticed that they opened up a Crumbs in Union Square....soooo....we went to get cupcakes.  The cupcake was about 10 pts.  So I was 8.5 over for the day.  In retrospect I should have split the cupcake with Tim or gotten one of the smaller ones.  I have no problem being 3 pts over in a day, especially if I worked out a lot.  It's all about choices.

The train was crazy delayed so we didn't get home until about 7:30.  I was full and tired and didn't feel like going swimming.  Of course at 10 I was all pumped to go swimming....after the gym was closed.  I then felt guilty and fat.  Lesson for the future is to make sure I always have a snack.  In my defense, there is absolutely nowhere to get food by the doctor except for some fancy bakery.  

Today has been ok so far.  I had some greek yogurt and fruit for lunch.  Only coffee for breakfast.  I got the South Beach Diet cookbook at the library so I might try a recipe from there for dinner.  Also Jillian Michaels' Master Your Metabolism.

This week's weigh-in and pic after the jump