Back

Well, it appears that it's been 3 weeks since I have posted, and that's no accident. Two days after my last post was my birthday.  My boyfriend got me a cake, my friends got me cupcakes, I made cookies, and my boyfriend's mom sent me a dozen chocolate-covered strawberries.
I ate most of them, with the exception of a couple of slices of cake that I tossed.  A few days later this turned me into a sobbing mess.   Most of my anger was directed at my boyfriend, because he bought me a cake that was just for the two of us and I flipped out on him.  He knows I'm trying to lose weight and that I didn't need the cake. 
I felt like it just sent me into a tailspin. I didn't work out as much. I ate more shit, like it just didn't matter anymore.  I didn't want to post because every time I thought of something I felt like it was just me bitching and feeling sorry for myself and that wasn't supposed to be the point of this blog.
But I am back on track now (how often do I say that. I need to figure out how to STAY on track).  I made myself a goal-tracking chart.  I have 5 goals every week and I get a point for each goal.  I change them every week based on what I want to work on.  This is going to go through the end of the year and then at the end I am going to total up my points.  I will have a menu of rewards based on how many points I got.  Percentage of fat lost also gets a point each.  So hopefully this works.
So far it's been good.  I got 2 out of 5 points the first week and 3 out of 5 this week. 

I went to weigh-in this week and last week.  Today's weigh-in is below the cut.
One of my 5 goals this week is to write 3 blog posts.

Non-scale victories recently:
Swam a whole mile at the pool

Ran/walked 5k on the treadmill
Ran/walked the most I've ever done outside

Dedi-what?

I am frustrated and self-sabotaging right now.  I ate a million pounds of chocolate today.  A million Oreos the other day.  Basically no fruits or vegetables to speak of.  And then I wonder why I feel tired and depressed.

Today I tried to go for my run, but the gym didn't have the ac on and had the windows open so it was really hot.  My calves, which are my running weak spot are sore as per usual and I am having trouble just moving past the pain.

Excuses, excuses. I think since I am going to have to buy a new bridesmaid dress anyway and I feel like I look like shit, I have decided that I don't care.  Might as well sit around and overeat, since it doesn't feel like all this work I had been putting in did anything.

WWJMD - What Would Jillian Michaels Do?

I am starting my blog off with my current life slogan, WWJMD.  I am even wearing the tank top I made with that on it because I just got back from the gym.

I am starting this blog mostly because I think people are tired of listening to me talk about my weight and diet issues and I need a place to process my thoughts.  Also, I want a place to keep track of my progress.

The plan right now is to post daily or almost daily.  My Weight Watchers weigh in is tomorrow so I think I will post my weight and a picture every weigh in day.  We'll see if I get up the courage to post a picture.  I have gotten really good at not looking in the mirror or in windows, which is probably why I thought the size 12 pants that I tried on the other day would fit. Oh no. Not at all.

I hate feeling this way.  I hate that I worked so hard to lose 35 lbs 5 years ago and kept it off until last year.  I hate that I am embarrassed to see people who haven't seen me in a while.  I hate that my joy at my sister's wedding is overshadowed by the fact that I can't fit into my bridesmaid dress and that I am going to be the fattest bridesmaid.  I hate that I think I look like Moaning Myrtle.  I hate that my face is broken out so it's not even like I have "a pretty face".  I hate that I hate myself.  I hate that I think about my weight almost non-stop.  I hate that I can't stop eating embarrassingly crappy foods in embarrassingly large amounts.  I hate that I can't eat a small amount of junk food like normal people to satisfy a craving.  I hate that while wearing my WWJMD shirt today I thought people might think it was ironic like when a fat person wears a shirt that says "I beat anorexia".  I hate that I never want to have sex with my boyfriend because I don't want either of us to see me naked.

I think that's all I hate.  Not every post is going to be a rant, but this is where I am right now.

Basically, my metabolism is fucked from a medication I was on about 15 months ago.  I gained 15 lbs in 2 months and another 30 after I stopped.  The other 30 was a combination of factors.  And now that I am fully committed to losing it, it's not coming off.  I have never had this much trouble losing weight and the frustration is seriously killing my motivation.

I have been trying to focus on non-weight related successes.  A lot of those were successes in running.  I am doing Couch to 5K...slowly.  And then my calves started to act up from overuse, which has happened before.  But that puts a serious cramp (heh) in my running plans. So now I am ALSO trying to focus on non-running related AND non weight related successes.

Here are a few to start me off:
1. I have started swimming recently.  My swimming is really improving and I have started to keep track of it so I can see my progress.  Right now I am swimming at about a 1.3 mile an hour pace and swimming between 2/3 and 3/4 of a mile every time.  When I first got back into swimming I could barely swim two laps in a row without resting.  So pleased with my progress.

2. I am getting stronger.  I can feel my biceps.  I like the assisted pull up and the  rowing-type weight machine at the gym.  Last time I went to the gym I added 5 lbs to each.  I am now doing 100 lbs of assist on the pull-up machine, down from 110 lbs of assist when I started.  And 75 lbs on the rowing machine.

3. My runs are getting faster and longer and I am pushing myself harder.  This progress is slow, but I am almost where I was when I fell of the exercise wagon in Spring 2009.  Getting back into it I could barely run 90 seconds at a stretch.  Today I did two 8 minute runs.

4. I have wanted to do a duathlon for years.  I was signed up to do one last spring and chickened out at the last minute.  This is a huge regret because I think I could have done it and I wouldn't have fallen out of fitness.  I am finally at a point where I think I can do one in October.  The prospect of this is very exciting.

5. My biking has improved as well.  In the spring when I went biking we made it up to about 42nd st (from battery park city) on a good day.  Last week I went to 125th st.  It felt great!


That's it for today.  Frustrations and victories.  Tomorrow's plan is to do a video in the morning, go to WW, and swim in the evening.  And track my points! And eat all my fruits and veggies!