I am starting this blog mostly because I think people are tired of listening to me talk about my weight and diet issues and I need a place to process my thoughts. Also, I want a place to keep track of my progress.
The plan right now is to post daily or almost daily. My Weight Watchers weigh in is tomorrow so I think I will post my weight and a picture every weigh in day. We'll see if I get up the courage to post a picture. I have gotten really good at not looking in the mirror or in windows, which is probably why I thought the size 12 pants that I tried on the other day would fit. Oh no. Not at all.
I hate feeling this way. I hate that I worked so hard to lose 35 lbs 5 years ago and kept it off until last year. I hate that I am embarrassed to see people who haven't seen me in a while. I hate that my joy at my sister's wedding is overshadowed by the fact that I can't fit into my bridesmaid dress and that I am going to be the fattest bridesmaid. I hate that I think I look like Moaning Myrtle. I hate that my face is broken out so it's not even like I have "a pretty face". I hate that I hate myself. I hate that I think about my weight almost non-stop. I hate that I can't stop eating embarrassingly crappy foods in embarrassingly large amounts. I hate that I can't eat a small amount of junk food like normal people to satisfy a craving. I hate that while wearing my WWJMD shirt today I thought people might think it was ironic like when a fat person wears a shirt that says "I beat anorexia". I hate that I never want to have sex with my boyfriend because I don't want either of us to see me naked.
I think that's all I hate. Not every post is going to be a rant, but this is where I am right now.
Basically, my metabolism is fucked from a medication I was on about 15 months ago. I gained 15 lbs in 2 months and another 30 after I stopped. The other 30 was a combination of factors. And now that I am fully committed to losing it, it's not coming off. I have never had this much trouble losing weight and the frustration is seriously killing my motivation.
I have been trying to focus on non-weight related successes. A lot of those were successes in running. I am doing Couch to 5K...slowly. And then my calves started to act up from overuse, which has happened before. But that puts a serious cramp (heh) in my running plans. So now I am ALSO trying to focus on non-running related AND non weight related successes.
Here are a few to start me off:
1. I have started swimming recently. My swimming is really improving and I have started to keep track of it so I can see my progress. Right now I am swimming at about a 1.3 mile an hour pace and swimming between 2/3 and 3/4 of a mile every time. When I first got back into swimming I could barely swim two laps in a row without resting. So pleased with my progress.
2. I am getting stronger. I can feel my biceps. I like the assisted pull up and the rowing-type weight machine at the gym. Last time I went to the gym I added 5 lbs to each. I am now doing 100 lbs of assist on the pull-up machine, down from 110 lbs of assist when I started. And 75 lbs on the rowing machine.
3. My runs are getting faster and longer and I am pushing myself harder. This progress is slow, but I am almost where I was when I fell of the exercise wagon in Spring 2009. Getting back into it I could barely run 90 seconds at a stretch. Today I did two 8 minute runs.
4. I have wanted to do a duathlon for years. I was signed up to do one last spring and chickened out at the last minute. This is a huge regret because I think I could have done it and I wouldn't have fallen out of fitness. I am finally at a point where I think I can do one in October. The prospect of this is very exciting.
5. My biking has improved as well. In the spring when I went biking we made it up to about 42nd st (from battery park city) on a good day. Last week I went to 125th st. It felt great!
That's it for today. Frustrations and victories. Tomorrow's plan is to do a video in the morning, go to WW, and swim in the evening. And track my points! And eat all my fruits and veggies!
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