Back

Well, it appears that it's been 3 weeks since I have posted, and that's no accident. Two days after my last post was my birthday.  My boyfriend got me a cake, my friends got me cupcakes, I made cookies, and my boyfriend's mom sent me a dozen chocolate-covered strawberries.
I ate most of them, with the exception of a couple of slices of cake that I tossed.  A few days later this turned me into a sobbing mess.   Most of my anger was directed at my boyfriend, because he bought me a cake that was just for the two of us and I flipped out on him.  He knows I'm trying to lose weight and that I didn't need the cake. 
I felt like it just sent me into a tailspin. I didn't work out as much. I ate more shit, like it just didn't matter anymore.  I didn't want to post because every time I thought of something I felt like it was just me bitching and feeling sorry for myself and that wasn't supposed to be the point of this blog.
But I am back on track now (how often do I say that. I need to figure out how to STAY on track).  I made myself a goal-tracking chart.  I have 5 goals every week and I get a point for each goal.  I change them every week based on what I want to work on.  This is going to go through the end of the year and then at the end I am going to total up my points.  I will have a menu of rewards based on how many points I got.  Percentage of fat lost also gets a point each.  So hopefully this works.
So far it's been good.  I got 2 out of 5 points the first week and 3 out of 5 this week. 

I went to weigh-in this week and last week.  Today's weigh-in is below the cut.
One of my 5 goals this week is to write 3 blog posts.

Non-scale victories recently:
Swam a whole mile at the pool

Ran/walked 5k on the treadmill
Ran/walked the most I've ever done outside

WWJMD - What Would Jillian Michaels Do?

I am starting my blog off with my current life slogan, WWJMD.  I am even wearing the tank top I made with that on it because I just got back from the gym.

I am starting this blog mostly because I think people are tired of listening to me talk about my weight and diet issues and I need a place to process my thoughts.  Also, I want a place to keep track of my progress.

The plan right now is to post daily or almost daily.  My Weight Watchers weigh in is tomorrow so I think I will post my weight and a picture every weigh in day.  We'll see if I get up the courage to post a picture.  I have gotten really good at not looking in the mirror or in windows, which is probably why I thought the size 12 pants that I tried on the other day would fit. Oh no. Not at all.

I hate feeling this way.  I hate that I worked so hard to lose 35 lbs 5 years ago and kept it off until last year.  I hate that I am embarrassed to see people who haven't seen me in a while.  I hate that my joy at my sister's wedding is overshadowed by the fact that I can't fit into my bridesmaid dress and that I am going to be the fattest bridesmaid.  I hate that I think I look like Moaning Myrtle.  I hate that my face is broken out so it's not even like I have "a pretty face".  I hate that I hate myself.  I hate that I think about my weight almost non-stop.  I hate that I can't stop eating embarrassingly crappy foods in embarrassingly large amounts.  I hate that I can't eat a small amount of junk food like normal people to satisfy a craving.  I hate that while wearing my WWJMD shirt today I thought people might think it was ironic like when a fat person wears a shirt that says "I beat anorexia".  I hate that I never want to have sex with my boyfriend because I don't want either of us to see me naked.

I think that's all I hate.  Not every post is going to be a rant, but this is where I am right now.

Basically, my metabolism is fucked from a medication I was on about 15 months ago.  I gained 15 lbs in 2 months and another 30 after I stopped.  The other 30 was a combination of factors.  And now that I am fully committed to losing it, it's not coming off.  I have never had this much trouble losing weight and the frustration is seriously killing my motivation.

I have been trying to focus on non-weight related successes.  A lot of those were successes in running.  I am doing Couch to 5K...slowly.  And then my calves started to act up from overuse, which has happened before.  But that puts a serious cramp (heh) in my running plans. So now I am ALSO trying to focus on non-running related AND non weight related successes.

Here are a few to start me off:
1. I have started swimming recently.  My swimming is really improving and I have started to keep track of it so I can see my progress.  Right now I am swimming at about a 1.3 mile an hour pace and swimming between 2/3 and 3/4 of a mile every time.  When I first got back into swimming I could barely swim two laps in a row without resting.  So pleased with my progress.

2. I am getting stronger.  I can feel my biceps.  I like the assisted pull up and the  rowing-type weight machine at the gym.  Last time I went to the gym I added 5 lbs to each.  I am now doing 100 lbs of assist on the pull-up machine, down from 110 lbs of assist when I started.  And 75 lbs on the rowing machine.

3. My runs are getting faster and longer and I am pushing myself harder.  This progress is slow, but I am almost where I was when I fell of the exercise wagon in Spring 2009.  Getting back into it I could barely run 90 seconds at a stretch.  Today I did two 8 minute runs.

4. I have wanted to do a duathlon for years.  I was signed up to do one last spring and chickened out at the last minute.  This is a huge regret because I think I could have done it and I wouldn't have fallen out of fitness.  I am finally at a point where I think I can do one in October.  The prospect of this is very exciting.

5. My biking has improved as well.  In the spring when I went biking we made it up to about 42nd st (from battery park city) on a good day.  Last week I went to 125th st.  It felt great!


That's it for today.  Frustrations and victories.  Tomorrow's plan is to do a video in the morning, go to WW, and swim in the evening.  And track my points! And eat all my fruits and veggies!