It's not what you're eating, it's what's eating you.

Today has been a rough day.   I have been cranky all day.  I bought potato chips while I was out running errands.  I pretty much never buy potato chips, so I don't know what compelled me to do so today when I know that I am trying to focus on healthier snacks.  There were a million produce carts and I could have easily gotten a banana.  The chips were approximately a million points (7.5, I think, for the bag that costs 99 cents).  The worst part was that I was still hungry like 30 minutes later.  I could have made so many more choices that would have left me full.  Instead I ate potato chips, which I wasn't even feeling like I really wanted, and it did nothing for my hunger.

I wanted to go for a long bike ride today, but got cranky and took a nap instead.  Then Tim and I walked a few blocks to Whole Foods.  Again, with so many healthy choices, I made the not-great ones.  I think at that point I had decided that my day had gone to shit so I didn't care.

Giving up my whole day after one poor choice is something I often do that I would like to stop doing.  Eating a bag of chips, while maybe not the best choice, certainly isn't a life-ruining moment.  I learned my lesson that when I tuned into my hunger later, those chips hadn't filled me up and weren't a good or satisfying choice.  That's a valuable point to keep in mind, and one that's so easy to forget.

Another positive that came out of it, was that I actually told Tim that I had eaten the chips.  I am a secret eater.  I binge eat in private and hide the evidence, something that I have done since high school.  Even when I have been healthier, I still had binge eating episodes.  I think they were less frequent though, but clearly this is something I need to work on.  Even now, I didn't plan on telling Tim about the chips.  I ate them and threw the bag away before I got home.  It was only when I saw him take some stuff out of the Duane Reade bag and felt a moment of panic that he would look at the receipt that I even acknowledged that I didn't want him to know about the chips.   So I told him and of course it was fine.  He knows it's not in line with my goals, and he listened when I told him I was still hungry which is why I was so annoyed about the chips.  I need to do some more reading about binge eating and food addiction.  I do think I am a food addict, and maybe when I get insurance again I will think about counseling for it.  In the meantime, journaling here, exercise, mind and mouth occupying activities, are all things I need to explore in order to work on stopping the behavior.

In goal-related news, I decided today that I want to start pushing myself a little farther with running.  I am running about a half mile farther per run than I was when I started running again back in January.  Obviously any improvement is great, but I think I could step it up a little more and make more gains than only a half mile average improvement in over 6 months.  So that's one of many things I'm working on right now.

I am going to make another vision board today or tomorrow.  I will post the results on here.