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Well, it appears that it's been 3 weeks since I have posted, and that's no accident. Two days after my last post was my birthday.  My boyfriend got me a cake, my friends got me cupcakes, I made cookies, and my boyfriend's mom sent me a dozen chocolate-covered strawberries.
I ate most of them, with the exception of a couple of slices of cake that I tossed.  A few days later this turned me into a sobbing mess.   Most of my anger was directed at my boyfriend, because he bought me a cake that was just for the two of us and I flipped out on him.  He knows I'm trying to lose weight and that I didn't need the cake. 
I felt like it just sent me into a tailspin. I didn't work out as much. I ate more shit, like it just didn't matter anymore.  I didn't want to post because every time I thought of something I felt like it was just me bitching and feeling sorry for myself and that wasn't supposed to be the point of this blog.
But I am back on track now (how often do I say that. I need to figure out how to STAY on track).  I made myself a goal-tracking chart.  I have 5 goals every week and I get a point for each goal.  I change them every week based on what I want to work on.  This is going to go through the end of the year and then at the end I am going to total up my points.  I will have a menu of rewards based on how many points I got.  Percentage of fat lost also gets a point each.  So hopefully this works.
So far it's been good.  I got 2 out of 5 points the first week and 3 out of 5 this week. 

I went to weigh-in this week and last week.  Today's weigh-in is below the cut.
One of my 5 goals this week is to write 3 blog posts.

Non-scale victories recently:
Swam a whole mile at the pool

Ran/walked 5k on the treadmill
Ran/walked the most I've ever done outside

Dedi-what?

I am frustrated and self-sabotaging right now.  I ate a million pounds of chocolate today.  A million Oreos the other day.  Basically no fruits or vegetables to speak of.  And then I wonder why I feel tired and depressed.

Today I tried to go for my run, but the gym didn't have the ac on and had the windows open so it was really hot.  My calves, which are my running weak spot are sore as per usual and I am having trouble just moving past the pain.

Excuses, excuses. I think since I am going to have to buy a new bridesmaid dress anyway and I feel like I look like shit, I have decided that I don't care.  Might as well sit around and overeat, since it doesn't feel like all this work I had been putting in did anything.

It's not what you're eating, it's what's eating you.

Today has been a rough day.   I have been cranky all day.  I bought potato chips while I was out running errands.  I pretty much never buy potato chips, so I don't know what compelled me to do so today when I know that I am trying to focus on healthier snacks.  There were a million produce carts and I could have easily gotten a banana.  The chips were approximately a million points (7.5, I think, for the bag that costs 99 cents).  The worst part was that I was still hungry like 30 minutes later.  I could have made so many more choices that would have left me full.  Instead I ate potato chips, which I wasn't even feeling like I really wanted, and it did nothing for my hunger.

I wanted to go for a long bike ride today, but got cranky and took a nap instead.  Then Tim and I walked a few blocks to Whole Foods.  Again, with so many healthy choices, I made the not-great ones.  I think at that point I had decided that my day had gone to shit so I didn't care.

Giving up my whole day after one poor choice is something I often do that I would like to stop doing.  Eating a bag of chips, while maybe not the best choice, certainly isn't a life-ruining moment.  I learned my lesson that when I tuned into my hunger later, those chips hadn't filled me up and weren't a good or satisfying choice.  That's a valuable point to keep in mind, and one that's so easy to forget.

Another positive that came out of it, was that I actually told Tim that I had eaten the chips.  I am a secret eater.  I binge eat in private and hide the evidence, something that I have done since high school.  Even when I have been healthier, I still had binge eating episodes.  I think they were less frequent though, but clearly this is something I need to work on.  Even now, I didn't plan on telling Tim about the chips.  I ate them and threw the bag away before I got home.  It was only when I saw him take some stuff out of the Duane Reade bag and felt a moment of panic that he would look at the receipt that I even acknowledged that I didn't want him to know about the chips.   So I told him and of course it was fine.  He knows it's not in line with my goals, and he listened when I told him I was still hungry which is why I was so annoyed about the chips.  I need to do some more reading about binge eating and food addiction.  I do think I am a food addict, and maybe when I get insurance again I will think about counseling for it.  In the meantime, journaling here, exercise, mind and mouth occupying activities, are all things I need to explore in order to work on stopping the behavior.

In goal-related news, I decided today that I want to start pushing myself a little farther with running.  I am running about a half mile farther per run than I was when I started running again back in January.  Obviously any improvement is great, but I think I could step it up a little more and make more gains than only a half mile average improvement in over 6 months.  So that's one of many things I'm working on right now.

I am going to make another vision board today or tomorrow.  I will post the results on here.