Today has been a rough day. I have been cranky all day. I bought potato chips while I was out running errands. I pretty much never buy potato chips, so I don't know what compelled me to do so today when I know that I am trying to focus on healthier snacks. There were a million produce carts and I could have easily gotten a banana. The chips were approximately a million points (7.5, I think, for the bag that costs 99 cents). The worst part was that I was still hungry like 30 minutes later. I could have made so many more choices that would have left me full. Instead I ate potato chips, which I wasn't even feeling like I really wanted, and it did nothing for my hunger.
I wanted to go for a long bike ride today, but got cranky and took a nap instead. Then Tim and I walked a few blocks to Whole Foods. Again, with so many healthy choices, I made the not-great ones. I think at that point I had decided that my day had gone to shit so I didn't care.
Giving up my whole day after one poor choice is something I often do that I would like to stop doing. Eating a bag of chips, while maybe not the best choice, certainly isn't a life-ruining moment. I learned my lesson that when I tuned into my hunger later, those chips hadn't filled me up and weren't a good or satisfying choice. That's a valuable point to keep in mind, and one that's so easy to forget.
Another positive that came out of it, was that I actually told Tim that I had eaten the chips. I am a secret eater. I binge eat in private and hide the evidence, something that I have done since high school. Even when I have been healthier, I still had binge eating episodes. I think they were less frequent though, but clearly this is something I need to work on. Even now, I didn't plan on telling Tim about the chips. I ate them and threw the bag away before I got home. It was only when I saw him take some stuff out of the Duane Reade bag and felt a moment of panic that he would look at the receipt that I even acknowledged that I didn't want him to know about the chips. So I told him and of course it was fine. He knows it's not in line with my goals, and he listened when I told him I was still hungry which is why I was so annoyed about the chips. I need to do some more reading about binge eating and food addiction. I do think I am a food addict, and maybe when I get insurance again I will think about counseling for it. In the meantime, journaling here, exercise, mind and mouth occupying activities, are all things I need to explore in order to work on stopping the behavior.
In goal-related news, I decided today that I want to start pushing myself a little farther with running. I am running about a half mile farther per run than I was when I started running again back in January. Obviously any improvement is great, but I think I could step it up a little more and make more gains than only a half mile average improvement in over 6 months. So that's one of many things I'm working on right now.
I am going to make another vision board today or tomorrow. I will post the results on here.
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