If you get off track and you wanna get back, may take a lot of work for it'll break your back

Well, I am finally seeing pictures of myself from my sister's wedding.....  I just look so *chubby*.  Despite my last weigh-in day pic, it's the first time I think I have really looked at myself objectively. 
I just wish those weren't the pics that were going to be around forever in my sister's albums and things.  But nothing I can do about it now.

I ate about a million cupcakes over wedding week, plus a bunch of fast food because of traveling.  I was looking forward to getting back on track and got sick the day we got back.  I haven't run in like 10 days, and haven't been motivated to get back to it now that I am home.  It doesn't help that I lost my nike+ receiver, so it feels like my runs don't count.

But, I tracked today.  I am going to do the shred in a bit...and I have nothing planned to interfere with my plans.  I am making various goal trackers and hoping to get back on track and really commit to WW. But to be honest right now I am feeling kind of depressed and defeated.

Dedi-what?

I am frustrated and self-sabotaging right now.  I ate a million pounds of chocolate today.  A million Oreos the other day.  Basically no fruits or vegetables to speak of.  And then I wonder why I feel tired and depressed.

Today I tried to go for my run, but the gym didn't have the ac on and had the windows open so it was really hot.  My calves, which are my running weak spot are sore as per usual and I am having trouble just moving past the pain.

Excuses, excuses. I think since I am going to have to buy a new bridesmaid dress anyway and I feel like I look like shit, I have decided that I don't care.  Might as well sit around and overeat, since it doesn't feel like all this work I had been putting in did anything.

It's not what you're eating, it's what's eating you.

Today has been a rough day.   I have been cranky all day.  I bought potato chips while I was out running errands.  I pretty much never buy potato chips, so I don't know what compelled me to do so today when I know that I am trying to focus on healthier snacks.  There were a million produce carts and I could have easily gotten a banana.  The chips were approximately a million points (7.5, I think, for the bag that costs 99 cents).  The worst part was that I was still hungry like 30 minutes later.  I could have made so many more choices that would have left me full.  Instead I ate potato chips, which I wasn't even feeling like I really wanted, and it did nothing for my hunger.

I wanted to go for a long bike ride today, but got cranky and took a nap instead.  Then Tim and I walked a few blocks to Whole Foods.  Again, with so many healthy choices, I made the not-great ones.  I think at that point I had decided that my day had gone to shit so I didn't care.

Giving up my whole day after one poor choice is something I often do that I would like to stop doing.  Eating a bag of chips, while maybe not the best choice, certainly isn't a life-ruining moment.  I learned my lesson that when I tuned into my hunger later, those chips hadn't filled me up and weren't a good or satisfying choice.  That's a valuable point to keep in mind, and one that's so easy to forget.

Another positive that came out of it, was that I actually told Tim that I had eaten the chips.  I am a secret eater.  I binge eat in private and hide the evidence, something that I have done since high school.  Even when I have been healthier, I still had binge eating episodes.  I think they were less frequent though, but clearly this is something I need to work on.  Even now, I didn't plan on telling Tim about the chips.  I ate them and threw the bag away before I got home.  It was only when I saw him take some stuff out of the Duane Reade bag and felt a moment of panic that he would look at the receipt that I even acknowledged that I didn't want him to know about the chips.   So I told him and of course it was fine.  He knows it's not in line with my goals, and he listened when I told him I was still hungry which is why I was so annoyed about the chips.  I need to do some more reading about binge eating and food addiction.  I do think I am a food addict, and maybe when I get insurance again I will think about counseling for it.  In the meantime, journaling here, exercise, mind and mouth occupying activities, are all things I need to explore in order to work on stopping the behavior.

In goal-related news, I decided today that I want to start pushing myself a little farther with running.  I am running about a half mile farther per run than I was when I started running again back in January.  Obviously any improvement is great, but I think I could step it up a little more and make more gains than only a half mile average improvement in over 6 months.  So that's one of many things I'm working on right now.

I am going to make another vision board today or tomorrow.  I will post the results on here.

Some Girls are Bigger Than Others

I go to the doctor every week or every other week for a depression study I am in.  The nurse who weighs me is a pretty big girl.  A few weeks ago she weighed me and I started crying out of frustration that my weight just is not going down.
"Look at me" she said.  "I would love to weigh as much as you"  which for her would probably mean about losing 50 lbs.  She went on to talk about how she used to weigh as much as I do and she was healthy and felt good then.
And that's the thing, at this weight I don't feel good or healthy.  I feel dumpy, slow, and like I am not taking care of my body.  The weight that I know I feel good at is about 30 pounds less.  But for some girls, weighing 140 lbs would be huge.  Even girls who are my height.  There are girls my height who weigh 120.  If I weighed 120 it wouldn't be good news because it would mean I must be sick.  My family and friends would probably express a ton of concern.  Every body is different and it's all about being where you are healthiest and happiest.  If I felt comfortable at this weight I wouldn't care, but it's just not the best weight for me.
So while I appreciated the nurse trying to make me feel better, I just wanted to say, "I'm not saying that if you weighed this much you would be fat or gross, but it's fat and unhealthy for ME"

Some girls are bigger than others.  Some girls' mothers are bigger than other girls' mothers.  That's just all there is to it.
I know for me I can't wait to get back down to a weight where I feel healthy and good about myself and where I can fit into my old clothes.

I started off yesterday really good.  I had a smoothie for breakfast which was only 5 pts and did 30 day shred in the am.  I was working hard and sweating a ton.  I planned to go swimming in the evening.  Unfortunately my day got busy.  I went to WW, then the doctor and then tanning and didn't have a chance to get anything to eat.  By 5 pm I was starving and called Tim to see if he wanted to meet me in union square for dinner since he was just about off work.
He met me and I got a turkey burger and fries.  I contemplated the grilled chicken breast with veggies, but caved because we were at Heartland Brewery and I love their fries.  Even then I would have come in at 1.5 under my daily points.  But I noticed that they opened up a Crumbs in Union Square....soooo....we went to get cupcakes.  The cupcake was about 10 pts.  So I was 8.5 over for the day.  In retrospect I should have split the cupcake with Tim or gotten one of the smaller ones.  I have no problem being 3 pts over in a day, especially if I worked out a lot.  It's all about choices.

The train was crazy delayed so we didn't get home until about 7:30.  I was full and tired and didn't feel like going swimming.  Of course at 10 I was all pumped to go swimming....after the gym was closed.  I then felt guilty and fat.  Lesson for the future is to make sure I always have a snack.  In my defense, there is absolutely nowhere to get food by the doctor except for some fancy bakery.  

Today has been ok so far.  I had some greek yogurt and fruit for lunch.  Only coffee for breakfast.  I got the South Beach Diet cookbook at the library so I might try a recipe from there for dinner.  Also Jillian Michaels' Master Your Metabolism.

This week's weigh-in and pic after the jump

WWJMD - What Would Jillian Michaels Do?

I am starting my blog off with my current life slogan, WWJMD.  I am even wearing the tank top I made with that on it because I just got back from the gym.

I am starting this blog mostly because I think people are tired of listening to me talk about my weight and diet issues and I need a place to process my thoughts.  Also, I want a place to keep track of my progress.

The plan right now is to post daily or almost daily.  My Weight Watchers weigh in is tomorrow so I think I will post my weight and a picture every weigh in day.  We'll see if I get up the courage to post a picture.  I have gotten really good at not looking in the mirror or in windows, which is probably why I thought the size 12 pants that I tried on the other day would fit. Oh no. Not at all.

I hate feeling this way.  I hate that I worked so hard to lose 35 lbs 5 years ago and kept it off until last year.  I hate that I am embarrassed to see people who haven't seen me in a while.  I hate that my joy at my sister's wedding is overshadowed by the fact that I can't fit into my bridesmaid dress and that I am going to be the fattest bridesmaid.  I hate that I think I look like Moaning Myrtle.  I hate that my face is broken out so it's not even like I have "a pretty face".  I hate that I hate myself.  I hate that I think about my weight almost non-stop.  I hate that I can't stop eating embarrassingly crappy foods in embarrassingly large amounts.  I hate that I can't eat a small amount of junk food like normal people to satisfy a craving.  I hate that while wearing my WWJMD shirt today I thought people might think it was ironic like when a fat person wears a shirt that says "I beat anorexia".  I hate that I never want to have sex with my boyfriend because I don't want either of us to see me naked.

I think that's all I hate.  Not every post is going to be a rant, but this is where I am right now.

Basically, my metabolism is fucked from a medication I was on about 15 months ago.  I gained 15 lbs in 2 months and another 30 after I stopped.  The other 30 was a combination of factors.  And now that I am fully committed to losing it, it's not coming off.  I have never had this much trouble losing weight and the frustration is seriously killing my motivation.

I have been trying to focus on non-weight related successes.  A lot of those were successes in running.  I am doing Couch to 5K...slowly.  And then my calves started to act up from overuse, which has happened before.  But that puts a serious cramp (heh) in my running plans. So now I am ALSO trying to focus on non-running related AND non weight related successes.

Here are a few to start me off:
1. I have started swimming recently.  My swimming is really improving and I have started to keep track of it so I can see my progress.  Right now I am swimming at about a 1.3 mile an hour pace and swimming between 2/3 and 3/4 of a mile every time.  When I first got back into swimming I could barely swim two laps in a row without resting.  So pleased with my progress.

2. I am getting stronger.  I can feel my biceps.  I like the assisted pull up and the  rowing-type weight machine at the gym.  Last time I went to the gym I added 5 lbs to each.  I am now doing 100 lbs of assist on the pull-up machine, down from 110 lbs of assist when I started.  And 75 lbs on the rowing machine.

3. My runs are getting faster and longer and I am pushing myself harder.  This progress is slow, but I am almost where I was when I fell of the exercise wagon in Spring 2009.  Getting back into it I could barely run 90 seconds at a stretch.  Today I did two 8 minute runs.

4. I have wanted to do a duathlon for years.  I was signed up to do one last spring and chickened out at the last minute.  This is a huge regret because I think I could have done it and I wouldn't have fallen out of fitness.  I am finally at a point where I think I can do one in October.  The prospect of this is very exciting.

5. My biking has improved as well.  In the spring when I went biking we made it up to about 42nd st (from battery park city) on a good day.  Last week I went to 125th st.  It felt great!


That's it for today.  Frustrations and victories.  Tomorrow's plan is to do a video in the morning, go to WW, and swim in the evening.  And track my points! And eat all my fruits and veggies!